NaNoWriMo

November is National Novel Writing Month. This is my third year doing NaNoWriMo, and hopefully will be my second year that I finish. It's what gets me through the month, honestly. There's absolutely no time to think about anything else other than writing. More on November noveling later-- I'm behind on my wordcount for today!

I have so much to say, so much going on, so many emotions. Most of them will probably wait until December. I just wanted to let you know I'm still here, listening.

October

is almost over. Where did it go? I seriously have no idea what has happened to the last month... have been doing way too much and haven't been around enough. I really miss this place when I'm unable to write, realizing that more and more. Miss you all.

I did get a new journal in the weeks after Take Back The Night. I've been writing in that a lot lately, but I don't think I'll be sharing much of it anytime soon. I'm not ready for that yet. (I also didn't go to the second rally I had the chance to attend-- more on that later, that's a whole different rant.)

I hope this approaching November finds you all well. Merry Samhain.

Sullen Girl

Days like these, I don't know what to do with myself
All day - and all night.
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath
I say to myself,
I need fuel - to take flight -

And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.

Been having a hard time since Take Back The Night. I've been doing so much lately so I haven't had any down time lately, but I still feel very numb... I feel like things are going to go downhill as soon as I stop and everything catches up with me.

I have the opportunity to attend another local Take Back The Night tomorrow night. I've never gone to this particular one, but I'm going to try to make it. I need it. I miss the feelings TBTN brings so much.

Is that why they call me a sullen girl - sullen girl.
They don't know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
But he washed me shore and he took my pearl
And left an empty shell of me.

And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.
It's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.

Take Back The Night

Unbelievable night tonight. It wasn't perfect- it rained so the Clothesline Project wasn't up, I was freezing, and I didn't say much during the night. But none of it mattered-- I felt like I was home. There were so many strong women there who spoke out, who named their experiences, who fought back. I have yet to find my voice- I have not told my story to anyone. But tonight I borrowed the strength of survivors there and stood with them, demanding an end to the silence. I didn't feel alone. Together we were strong, fearless.

I'm not going to try to write about it all right now. I don't think I could put it into words even if I tried. But I have been internalizing almost everything lately, and tonight has made me want to write again.

Amazing, beautiful, empowering.

About TBTN

I'm going to Take Back The Night tomorrow night, and I thought I'd write something about the event itself before tomorrow, for those of you who have never experienced a rally before.

Take Back The Night is both an organization and an event. There are rallies in communities and on college campuses, even in places you wouldn't necessarily "expect" them (just like people don't "expect" the reality of assault and abuse), against sexual assault, child abuse, and domestic violence. The relatively new organization is a collective resource for individual TBTN organizations, which have been holding speak-outs for years- the one in my community is in its 17th year. They are extremely personal and creative events, but at the core they are about visible, public awareness. Survivor speak-outs. Marches. Candlight Vigils. The Clothesline Project. The Silent Witness National Initiative. Anything and everything to break the silence. They are about you as an individual and about the community, about fighting back, about demanding that everyone see and hear and listen and recognize that violence happens and can happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time. It's about the right to be able to walk free of fear, to be heard, understood, respected for what we have lived through. It is about reclaiming ourselves. It is about reclaiming the night.

I live for that, to be able to speak out, to have the right to be angry, to be surrounded by women who don't know me but love me anyway because I'm standing with them.

My words can't even begin to describe Take Back The Night. If you've never been... go to one. The solidarity is like nothing I have ever experienced.

Conditioned

I wish I wasn't conditioned to be afraid at night. To carry my keys between my fingers when walking to my car so I feel like I have some sort of protection. To sprint to my car and lock the doors but only after making sure there is no one else around. To look over my shoulder. To avoid being alone. To have my keys ready before I get to my door. To check locked doors repeatedly at night. To watch people's eyes. To expect no one to believe me or listen to me. To always be on guard. To expect my trust to be betrayed. I wish I wasn't conditioned to see everyone as capable of hurting me.

But it's not conditioning- it's reality. I am a woman. I am never safe.

6 days until Take Back The Night.

Biting My Tongue

I feel like shit today. Why? Because I saw my neighbor and he gave me this look and I just bit my tongue and stared at the ground. He made me feel so broken and ugly, dirty and ashamed. I am disgusted with myself right now.

10 days until Take Back The Night.